I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
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