i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
the liver wants what the liver wants
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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