woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
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That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
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EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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