finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
