Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
