There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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