If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
