I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
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