i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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