The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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