Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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