We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
