Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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