Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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