I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
