I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
