If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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