I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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