i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
