HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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