I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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