the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
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We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
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Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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