Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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