i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
