btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
