He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
