I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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