I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
