Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
