Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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