Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
