that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
