I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
