I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
