see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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