if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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