why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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