I just pynch a tree in the face
one two three fourrrrnication!
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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