Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
