nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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