I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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