So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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