He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
