Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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