A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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