I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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