at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
