Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
