He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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