wakey wakey hands off snakey
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Hippo gnu deer
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
