so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
