I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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