P.S. I can't hear my feet
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
