i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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