who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
