I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
