And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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