smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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