My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize