Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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