I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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