i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
